Man Meets Stove Book Excerpt!!!!

Heart Attack Hollandaise

Soundtrack: Heartbeat of Rock ‘n roll by Huey Lewis and the News

3 Eggs

1 1/2 Tablespoons Water

One stick butter

3 to 4 Tablespoons Tarragon Vinegar

Salt and Pepper

Start by filling a sink (or a pot larger than the one you will be cooking in) partially with cool water.  You’ll use this water to rapidly cool the bottom of the pot later.

Melt butter in a pot over medium heat (or nuke it to melted).  Completely melt the butter, but not so it’s burning hot. Crack open the eggs and place them into a bowl.  Add water to the bowl and whisk the eggs and water together very well until they are one color throughout.

Now comes the hard part.  Turn the heat down on the butter pot.  If you look at the flame, you want it to be a 2 on a 5 scale, the 5 being full flame, 1 being almost no flame.  Low heat, but not too low.  If not sure, go lower, not hotter, until you get the hang of it, lower heat will simply take a little longer and your whisk arm may fall off.  If you go too hot, the eggs will become little bits in a butter mix, not a sauce.  You can recover this by blending the hell out of it.

Pour the egg mixture into the melted butter and start whisking the pot gently, or faster if you see visible egg bits starting to float around in the pot.  Do not stop whisking.  The goal is to keep the eggs from forming a thin omelet on the bottom of the pot.  You want to keep stirring until the eggs "go off" and thicken the mixture from a liquid to a gravy-like sauce.  When you see it turning into the desired thickness of a sauce, immediately pull the pot off the fire and put the pot bottom into the cold water in the sink so the bottom of the pot is immediately cooled off and stops cooking the sauce.  You may want to keep whisking a little bit while it cools.
Now here's the thing - we are told that people use lemon for Hollandaise Sauce.  Why?  We have no idea.  It tastes a bit like dessert that way.  We like tarragon vinegar and like it much.  Once you cool the pot a little, take it out, add two tablespoons of vinegar and taste the sauce.  If it is strong enough for you, excellent.  We usually add at least two more tablespoons of tarragon vinegar, or more, to taste.  Sometimes we make it light for guests and "Rip your face off strong" for ourselves in a separate small pitcher.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Sometimes people use just the egg yokes in the sauce.  The sauce will be really thick and tasty if you do it that way[1].

Now all of this involved process, we are told, can be avoided by the use of a double boiler to even the heat out and cook the sauce slowly, but that is cheating and we will not give you your Girl Scout chef merit badge if you do it.  Actually, we have never had a double boiler when we needed it, and see them as somewhat of a unitasker (bad) unless one makes candy a lot, so we do it our way.

You can also do much the same thing in a blender or a microwave.  How embarrassing.  Don’t talk to us.

We generally make 2 to 3 times this recipe and eat it on broccoli cooked al dente.  Please do NOT overcook the broccoli, American style.  Limp broccoli is a vile abomination unto the gods. 

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[1] Screw your cholesterol.  This is cooking.

Cook a Turkey in 45 Minutes!!!

Hamburger Help Her - Military Spec

SECTION 0H323-7N

Hamburger Help Her 

PART  1  GENERAL

1.1     SECTION INCLUDES

A.       Nutritional admixture for protein and pasta

B.       Use recommendations for usage of completed admixture

C.       Cheese applications

D.       Sauce and Seasoning packet entry and introduction

E.       The work of this section applies to protein and pasta in the following locations:

1.       Packed office worker lunch

2.       Packed lunch of minor sibling of prospective spouse

3.       Hot meal served in desperate attempt

4.       Leftover eating

5.       Meals on moving day

1.2     RELATED SECTIONS

A.       Section 0H323-7 – Dry Pasta:  Pasta acquisition and use

B.       Section 0F013-3B - Beef:  Why it’s what’s for Lunch

C.       Section 0A001-A1 – Why bad food happens to good people

1.3     REFERENCES

A.       NPA 1207.2 – Dry Pasta

B.       NPA 1222.4 – Fresh Pasta

C.       USDA MC6 – Macaroni and Cheese for use in domestic programs

D.       ASTM J 39/C 39LM - Standard Test Method for Compressive Strength of Cylindrical Elbow Macaroni

E.       ASTM J 309J 74W - Standard Specification for Liquid Membrane-Forming Compounds for Dry Pasta Sauce Generation

F.       ASTM X 666 - Standard Test Method for Resistance of Date to Alcohol

G.      COJ CRD-C 56 - Standard Test Method for Water Permeability of White Blouse

H.       NSFW 61 – Pictographic Symbolic Representation of Ex-GirlFriend

1.4     SUBMITTALS

A.       Submit only when Quality Assurance test measures have been accomplished and you have washed your hands and changed out of your mom’s old Kitchen apron.

Addenda: Didn’t we tell you to get rid of that thing?

B.       Product Data:  Manufacturer's data sheets on each product to be used, including:

1.       Preparation instructions and recommendations.

2.       Storage and handling requirements and recommendations.

3.       Installation methods.

C.       Manufacturer's Certificates: Certify products meet or exceed specified requirements.

1.5     QUALITY ASSURANCE

A.      Taste and Aroma Testing: As you work, taste and smell what you are cooking up, always. Because we warn you, if it smells bad it almost always is bad. This principal has broad application and only very minor exceptions.

B.      Installer Qualifications: We know what you want to install, but you are just working up to the conversation, so cool it.

C.      Pre-installation Meeting:  Before you serve these meager rations, you need to prepare the receiver. Stipulate that you had no other food because you gave it all to the waif orphan that came to the door just before she arrived.  Also this might be a good time to say you are off your game today in the kitchen and maybe set a small bouquet of flowers on the table.

1.6     DELIVERY, STORAGE, AND HANDLING

A.      Deliver materials in manufacturer's original, unopened, undamaged containers with identification labels intact. Scratch that, hide the dam box.  She will know, and you will know, but if you manage to charm her with the tacky apron and the flowers you stole from the neighbor lady, don’t rub her face in it by leaving the box out in plain site.

B.      Store materials protected from exposure to harmful weather conditions and at temperature conditions recommended by manufacturer. i.e. don’t store boxes of Hamburger Helper in the shower, under the bathroom sink or in your sock drawer. In fact we are not sure you shouldn’t just take that whole drawer out to the recycle bin and start over. Socks and all.

1.7     PROJECT CONDITIONS

A.      Maintain environmental conditions (temperature, humidity, and ventilation) within limits recommended by manufacturer for optimum results.  Do not prepare products under environmental conditions outside manufacturer's absolute limits.

1.8     WARRANTY

A.      The product shall have a shelf life of at least one year from date of manufacturer. Product shall not be manufactured more than 45 days prior to shipping. Frankly, if the box has not gone soggy with mildew, we’re pretty sure it’s fine, just go ahead and cook it an extra minute or so, the idea being that pasta and chemical seasonings “go bad” is just good marketing. Just ask the next Cougar you see about shelf life.

1.9     EXTRA MATERIALS

A.      See Section 0HN120085.2 - Product Requirements, for additional provisions.

B.      Section 0HN120085.2 – Everyone thinks they have extra material, but usually it is only Brunettes.

PART  2  PRODUCTS

2.1     MANUFACTURERS

A.      Betty Crocker, Suizie Microwave, Rebecca Fire Pit or other approved provider

B.      Substitutions:  Not permitted.

C.      Requests for substitutions will be considered in accordance with provisions of Section 01600.

D.      Section 01600 Didn’t I say no substitutions.

2.2     MATERIALS

A.      Fresh Tomato to add a bit of realism to this disaster you have been brewing

B.      1 pound ground beef, not the extra lean crap, get the ground steak if you can find it

C.      Extra Cheddar Cheese for a bump of cheesy goodness

D.      The meat shall conform to the applicable provisions of the Meat and Poultry Inspection Regulations (9 CFR Parts 301 to 350).  Noncarcass components (e.g., cheek meat, head meat, ox tails, esophagus, hearts, elbows, assholes and similar by-products, also known collectively as “offal”) shall not be used.

E.    The pasta delivered in the Betty Crocker 5.80 ounce box shall meet the requirements as specified in the Commercial Item Description for Pasta Products, Enriched (CID) A-A-20062D, except for the following:

1) Only Semolina flour shall be used

2) Only enriched elbow style macaroni shall be used

3) Size of elbow style macaroni shall be:

a)            Thickness                                  0.0034 inch to 0.057 inch

b)            Diameter                                    0.190 inch to 0.220 inch

c) Length (outer Curvilinear)                        1/4 inch to 1/2 inch

2.3     Potable Water Contact Approval:  NSF certification for use in preparations requiring potable water, based on testing in accordance with NSF 61.

A.       One medium sized frying pan containing 1 cup Potable Water, with well-fitting cover.

1.       Coverage:  full pot circumference

PART  3  EXECUTION

3.1     PASTA MIXING AND PLACING

A.       Comply with requirements of Section 03300.

B.       Make and test trial mixes under project conditions to determine dosage rate.

C.       Add extra cheese and fresh tomato near end of heating transfer, otherwise following manufacturer's instructions.

D.       Heat ground beef in pan, stirring to break up chunks.

E.       Drain fat from frying pan after beef has browned.

F.       Stir in 1 cup hot water

G.       Add admixture elements, 2 cups milk, sauce packet contents and uncooked pasta

H.       Reduce heat to medium low and cover to simmer roughly 10 minutes

I.        Stir occasionally

J.       Cook until pasta is al dente, remove from heat

K.      Add admixture extras here

L.       Sauce will thicken, so don’t waste your time.

3.2     SECTION 03300

A.      Dress this homely dish by browning a half of a small onion chopped fine in butter before adding the ground beef

B.      A handful of mushrooms wouldn’t go wrong either, add those in when the onions just start to look clear, and let the mushrooms shrink down, as they will.

C.      Cut open a single clove of garlic on the fat end, rub that around on the bottom of the pan before you add the onion and mushroom.

D.      Add four (4) shakes of oregano or two small finger pinches to the ground beef just as it starts to sizzle

E.      Grind some fresh black pepper over the beef as it cooks and stir it in

F.      After you plate, give the pasta and meat a short grind of the good pink sea salt, not very much, as that sauce packet has enough salt to kill a seaman.

G.      Before you even start down this road, consider how close Lent is, maybe you could sell her on the idea that you think the two of you should give up dinner for the day in preparation for the coming religious holiday.

END OF SECTION